The following is quoted with permission from the book, SINGLES, SEX, AND MARRIAGE

by Dr. Herbert J. Miles

How Can I Know I Am in Love?

One fall I went to the woods with my father to cut a tree for winter wood, and he said, "Son, first we must cut away the sprouts from around the tree so we can get at the trunk of the tree without having the sprouts in our way."  Before we can effectively discuss the nature of love and how to know we have it, we need to cut away some myths related to the concept of love that have confused thousands of singles, thanks largely to Hollywood, television, the media, and the philosophy of secular humanism.  To understand what love is and how to identify it, let us examine some theories about love that are false.

Myth 1: There is a one and only.  The idea of a "one and only" in selecting a marriage partner is the belief that some infinite power or force outside of you, such as God or fate, selects in advance a specific individual as a marriage partner for you.  This one person will have unique personality traits that fit your needs and no one else's.  You will be passive in the selection process.  You will simply wait patiently until "this power," at the proper time, will present that one unique person to you.  When this happens, you will know it, and you should marry that person.  It is assumed that this marriage will guarantee marriage happiness and that you could never have marriage happiness with anyone else.

This idea is in direct conflict with biblical theology which assumes both (1) the sovereignty of God (He is all-powerful) and (2) the freedom of man (free—but limited freedom).  Man respects the sovereignty of God and God respects the freedom of man.  Although these two ideas seem to be contradictory, they are both real and work together beautifully in courtship, marriage, and in all of life’s realities.  They should be kept in a healthy balance.

Let us illustrate how time, space, and life's individual circumstances are major influences in the selection of a marriage partner.  After Tom Ford graduated from the local junior college, his parents agreed that he could go to a senior college.  He was free to choose.  Tom spent several weeks trying to decide whether to enroll at a Missouri or an Illinois College.  Finally, he chose the Missouri college.  There Tom went with his roommate to a social group meeting and met a lovely girl.  They were attracted to each other.  Across the weeks and months they dated; after two years they married.  At that point, we may say they were each other’s "one and only."

But, let us go back and suppose that Tom has selected the Illinois college.  He was free to do so.  Following the same process, he could have met another lovely girl, courted, married, and had a happy marriage.  Again they would have been each other's "one and only."  There are many different colleges Tom could have selected, and at each one were many fine prospects who could have been the "one and only."  Thus, we must admit that time, space, and circumstances are major influences in selecting a marriage partner, and that singles are free and active in the process.

The Bible teaches that our wonderful Creator-God, with infinite knowledge, looked forward in "foreknowledge" and knew in advance which college Tom would select and which girl he would choose in marriage (cf. Rom. 8:29; Eph. 1:4; 1 Pet. 1:20).  But this infinite knowledge did not make Tom a passive robot.  He was free to choose.  He actively participated in the choice.  Such a balance leaves every single guy and gal free and active, and therefore responsible, in the process of courtship and marriage.

Myth 2: Love at first sight.  Many fine married couples claim to have experienced love at first sight.  Many singles who claim love at first sight never marry the one they thought they loved at first sight.  Such experiences may be labeled "infatuation," or "an emotional response," or just "being in love with the idea of love."

What actually happens in the encounter of a couple who insist they have experienced love at first sight?  Let us imagine that one day, by chance, John meets Mary.  At first sight they are attracted to each other.  He thinks she is beautiful.  She thinks he is handsome.  They maneuver an introduction.  The "stomach butterflies" flutter.  They each welcome and pursue conversations with smiles, kindness, and compliments.  Soon John calls her for a date.  They date regularly and start going steady.  Across the weeks and months they find that they have values, goals, ambitions, ideals, and many other things in common.  They become engaged and are married.

Do they have a right to insist it was "love at first sight"?  Let us go back to the day they first met.  Honestly now, what real happened?  Was it love at first sight?  No!  It was largely physical attraction, including sexual magnetism.  At first sight, it is normal for singles to be attracted to each other, physically.  But to say that this is love is nonsense.  In courtship there has to be a "starting place," and a normal starting place is physical attraction.  But, at the point of first sight, they know nothing about each other except that they are physically attracted.  There is no such thing as instant love.  It takes time for love to grow.

Myth 3: Infatuation is synonymous with love.  No!  There is a major difference.  Infatuation happens quickly, instantly.  It leaps into bloom overnight.  Love takes root and grows slowly, one day at a time.  You must be friends before you can become lovers.

Infatuation is shallow and noisy like frothy water running swiftly over rocks.  Love is quiet, peaceful, and serene.  Still water runs deep.

The Greek word eros means a love which seeks fulfillment through another person.  It usually refers to physical desire and sexual love.  It is not used in the Bible, but both the Old and New Testaments do recognize erotic love.  In the past, there has been much misunderstanding about the relation of these two words.  Some well-meaning Christians have made a sharp distinction between agape and eros, saying that agape is good (spiritual) and eros is evil.  This definition holds that the physical and sexual can never be good.  Such a concept is based on Greek and Persian philosophy; it is not Christian.  The Bible does exalt agape love as central in Christian living, and it condemns the misuse and abuse of sex as being evil.  But nowhere does the Bible place the spiritual and the sexual in separate categories in which each excludes the other.  It recognizes that sexual love is an essential part of the relationship of husband and wife.  James Deane says "Sexual differentiation and the erotic love of husband and wife are an expression of the image of God in which man was created (Gen. 1:27).  The marital bond is an expression of both agape and eros.  It is both self-giving and self-fulfillment."  This is to say that in courtship love, singles are rightly concerned about sexuality in a potential marriage.  This married love includes both sexual self-giving and self-fulfillment.

It is much easier and more accurate to describe love than to define it.  Many years ago a single girl wrote Ann Landers asking her to describe the nature of love, and signed her letter "In a fog."  Ann Landers replied:

Dear "In A Fog"

     If you’re waiting for your eyes to light up like a pinball machine, don’t. 

It won't happen.

     Real love doesn’t konk you on the head like a chunk of loose plaster.

Love must take root and grow, one day at a time.

     Love is association and friendship that has caught fire.  It is quiet

understanding, solid confidence, sharing, and giving and forgiving.  It

is loyalty, through good times and bad.  It survives dark moods and

makes allowances for human frailties.  It settles for less than perfection.

How Can I Know I Am in Love?

            There is no thermometer, slide rule, or any kind of set formula that singles may use on themselves to decide absolutely that they are in love.  A practical answer to the question must be idealistic.

            Certain motives, attitudes, feelings, conditions and circumstances should be present if a person in courtship possesses the love necessary for a good marriage.  If you are in love with a person, many of the following conditions should prevail:

1.      You will be concerned about your physical appearance (dress and grooming) and your personal conduct in your relationship with the one you love.

2.      You will have faith and trust in that person.  In true courtship love, a two-way fidelity and trust will be present.

3.      You will have no desire to date other people.  Those whom you once thought you loved will recede into the background and become insignificant.

4.      You will want to see, to meet, and to know this person's parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, and friends.  You will be anxious to please them.  You will be concerned about the well-being of those near and dear to the one you love.

5.      You will delight in the personal accomplishments of the person you love.  You will not be jealous or envious of that person's achievements.  Of course, if a third party approaches your sweetheart with courtship in mind, you will be jealous.  Love is like that!  This is a natural, normal jealousy!  But you will not be jealous of your lover's characteristics and potentialities.  You will delight and rejoice in the accomplishments of the person you love, even though some of these may be superior to your own.

6.      You will have respect for the one your love.  You will respect that person's beliefs, values, moral standards, rights, and needs.  You will respect him/her as a person, a total person.  You will be able to work out differences of opinion without quarreling.

7.      You will have a feeling of inner security as a result of your love for this person.  You will feel self-confident, relaxed, and happy even in the face of personal, social, or financial problems.

8.      You will be relaxed and at ease when you are with that person.  You will not feel compelled to pose as someone other than your own natural self.

9.      You will be lonely when circumstances force you to be separated.  It will be difficult for you to keep from thinking and dreaming about your sweetheart.  You will long for the day and hour when you can be together again.

10.  You will sacrifice for the person you love in many different ways.  You will enjoy bringing gifts to that person.  Love is an outgoing something.  It is possible for a person to give without loving, but it is impossible to love without giving!  "God so loved the world that He gave. . . ."  This is the nature of love!

11.  You will hurt when your sweetheart is hurt or criticized.  You will rush to his or her defense.  This is not a case of "my sweetheart, right or wrong."  Love must be guided by Christian values and by rational and intelligent thinking and decisions.  But it is the nature of love to automatically respond to the problems and needs of the one loved with empathy and protection.

12.  You can honestly say that your interest in this person is not simply in the physical or sexual realm, but rather, your interest is in every aspect of the total person as a complete personality.  To be sure, to be in love with a person includes physical attraction and sexual interest in marriage.  Such an attraction is a major aspect of love.  But if physical attraction is the only interest between a couple, it in itself is not love!  It is lust!  And certainly the sexual interest must never be the first interest.  Sex is a part of true love, but it is the servant of all other personal and personality relationships.

13.  You will be proud of this person as the potential father or mother of your children in marriage.  You will be happy for your children to have the character, qualities, and attitudes of your sweetheart.

14.  Other people will know that you are in love.  It is nearly impossible for a person in love to keep it a secret.  You will bubble over with happiness.  Your relatives and friends will suspect it.  They will know it.  They will tell you so.

These conditions do not happen in a minute or by blind accident.  They are the result of a careful process of intelligent association, thinking, planning, dialogue, prayer, and divine leadership (John 6:38).

In spite of the fact that many millions of couples have experienced happy marriages filled with love, some critics insist there is no such thing as love.  Many years ago Dr. George W. Crane, professor of psychology at Northwestern University, related the following experience in his nationally syndicated column, "The Worry Clinic."

While attending a meeting of the Rotary Club, Dr. Crane met a young Ph.D. from Harvard who was a new physics professor at Northwestern.  He welcomed him and they sat together and visited during the meal.  Dr. Crane learned that he was twenty-eight years old and single.  They became good friends, often teasing each other about psychology and physics.  Dr. Crane frequently kidded his young friend about not being married.  He countered with "Oh!  You psychologists.  You claim to be scientists and you keep talking about love.  You know there is no such thing as love!"  Dr. Crane replied, "Well, I am confident that love is real and I can prove it to you by using the scientific method, with you as the guinea pig."  When the young teacher hesitated, Dr. Crane insisted, "Now you claim to be a scientist, and you say love does not exist.  If you refuse to test this idea, then you must not be a true scientist.  Give me two weeks to set up the test."

After searching for a potential marriage partner for the young Ph.D, Dr. Crane located an attractive secretary, age twenty-seven and single.  She was working on her master's degree.  She had progressive ambitions and acceptable values.  He laid his plan before her in detail and she agreed to participate in the test.  Then he went to the young Ph.D and described her to him, showing him her picture.  The young man had no faith in the plan, but he was interested in meeting the girl, so he reluctantly agreed to co-operate in the test.  Dr. Crane said, "Now remember, I am the scientist.  You are the guinea pig.  You are to take instructions from me."  Dr. Crane instructed him to ask her for at least two dates per week for three months.  It was understood that she would say yes when he asked her for a date.  On dates he was to be thoughtful, kind, and give her compliments, take her some flowers, candy, but not too often.  He was not to try to become intimate with her, but to respect her and build up her ego.  Dr. Crane had instructed her to be thoughtful, kind, and to give him compliments.  She was to see that he was happy and enjoyed every date.  Dr. Crane gave him her telephone number and address.  Things went well on the test.  Both were enjoying the new relationship.  Two weeks, then two months passed.

In the meantime, Dr. Crane was making plans.  During the third month of the test, an important faculty social occasion was coming up.  Each faculty member was required to attend with his/her spouse or a friend.  Dr. Crane made arrangements secretly for the girl to attend the occasion with a friend she had formerly dated.  This third party agreed, understanding the plans.  Since she always said yes, the young Ph.D did not ask for a date until two days before the event.  When he asked her, she explained she had promised before the test started to attend with her former friend, and would not be able to go with him.  But she explained, "I am still very much interested in you and the test."  It was too late to ask anyone else, so he went stag.  According to plans, the girl and her date waited until the young Ph.D had arrived and was in conversation with others.  Then, on the arm of her date, she came in beautifully dressed, and looking up at him with an adoring smile.  When the young Ph.D saw them, something snapped inside him.  He was restless and downcast.  Soon he sneaked out and disappeared.

Early the next morning, there was a loud knock at Dr. Crane's door.  When Dr. Crane opened the door, there stood the young grim-faced Ph.D.  He said seriously, "O.K., Crane, you win.  Now, call that guy off and give me one more chance!"

What was it that snapped when he saw her on the arm of someone else?  Could it be his pseudo-scientific idea that there is no such thing as love?

Yes, there is such a thing as love, skeptics and rebels notwithstanding.  Courtship and marriage love have been experienced as a reality by multiplied millions.  Love is not achieved through magic or hocus-pocus.  It is achieved through prayer, patience, wise decisions, and intelligent, interpersonal relationships.  You work to develop love.  Once you have it, it may both wax and wane.  You can lose it.  You can regain it.  You have to work hard to keep it.  It is not merely sex or an emotion, but it includes both.  It is something you do, something you bestow on someone else by sharing, giving, and forgiving.

By carefully studying the motives, attitudes, feelings, conditions, and circumstances related to you and your sweetheart as outlined above, you as a single can know whether or not you are in love.  You can know with sufficient certainty to follow through in faith and trust with engagement and marriage to experience what God intended male and female to be.